Such A Heavenly Way to Die
by KnowThatIWroteToYou
Summary: When Brittany breaks Santana's heart, she is forced to come to terms with who she is by herself and for herself. Along the way, she happens to fall in love with one Quinn Fabray. Quinntana Fic.
1. Chapter 1

**Hey guys hows it going? This is going to be a Quinntana story. It's going to start off with some super angsty Brittana, with poor old Santana getting her heart broken. It starts the summer right before senior year, and Brittany and Santana have been dating for the last two months. Enjoy! Future chapters won't be as depressing as this haha.. Reviews are love people!**

"I'm sorry" she breathed, for what felt like the millionth time. I lay there unmoving, my arms behind my head, staring up at never ending sky. Sorry? What does that word even mean? When people tell you that they are sorry, does that mean that they regret what they did, or they regret you finding out?

I knew that a tear was trickling slowly down the side of my face, but I didn't try to stop it. Brittany was almost on top of me, trying to force me to look at her, her baby blue eyes full of pain and guilt, searching mine for some kind of reaction, any. She didn't care if that reaction was intense anger, she just needed something, anything. I let her run her fingers along my skin, and I let her attempt to pull my face toward her, but I couldn't look at her. Because if I looked at her, I'm not quite sure if I would have been able to hold myself together.

Her touch already felt different somehow, like my body instinctively knew that someone else had been touching her. And instead of the usual warm sensation, my skin stung slightly wherever ours met. I'm not sure how long after she told me she had slept with _him_ we lay there. It was long enough for her to whisper apologies until her throat almost closed up. It was long enough for the bright morning sun to set, and leave us in darkness. It was long enough for my heart to break into a million pieces. Even_ I_ wondered why I let her lay there with me, and why I couldn't bring myself to tell her I hated what she had done, or that I hated her for what she had done to me, to us.

The truth was I had no anger inside of me. There was no room for anger, because my body was already too full of pain and loss. And as we lay there, her begging for forgiveness and telling me that she loved me, I knew that that's exactly what this was. A loss. Because what had happened was irrevocable. Because all of a sudden everything about her was foreign to me. I continued to stare at the starry sky, knowing that the equally heartbroken blonde next to me was no longer mine.

Knowing that whatever we had had together, so beautiful and innocent, was finally broken. Knowing that even though I still loved her with all my heart, her confession had made me fall _out of love_ with her. And it hurt. More than you could imagine.

I couldn't help the image that was forever burned in my mind. Her and him. In her bed. The bed where we had made love so many times we had lost count. The bed where we had first confessed our love for one another. The bed where she promised to be mine and mine only, for forever, and I had promised the same. I wondered if her eyes had travelled to the photo of us on her bed side locker while she fucked him. I wondered if she was so consumed and eaten alive by guilt that she couldn't breathe. She had stopped any attempts of communicating with me at this point, and instead was looking into my eyes.

She must have seen everything in there, the disconnect I now felt from her, the heartache. I finally turned to look at the eyes I had grown up with, the eyes I had learned with, become a better person with, and fallen in love with. She looked back, and broke into slightly hysterical tears. Because she could see deep in my eyes, the gateway to ones soul, that I was no longer in love with her, and things would never be the same.


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N= Hey guys and gals. Thanks a lot to those who reviewed or favorited (is that even a word?) the last chapter. Both give me motivation to continue this story. This is a pretty decent sized chapter. Hope you enjoy it. Feedback is much appreciated :) Just in case any of you were wondering, the title comes from the Smiths song "There's a Light That Never Goes Out". Just sayin'.  
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The funny thing about time is that, contrary to popular belief, it doesn't stop. It doesn't slow down, or speed up, even when we think it does. The second hand continues to tick, even when our own hearts fail to beat. Even when every tick is like a stab to our chests.

But the great thing about time, is that it eases our pain. It doesn't make us forget it, or get rid of it altogether, but it eases it.  
>The months leading up to senior year were some of the hardest of my life. But I kept on breathing. I kept my shattered heart beating. I kept on living, living for the sheer sake of living. And day by day, I'd get out of bed that little bit earlier. I'd eat that little bit more. The fake smile I gave my mother every morning looked that little bit more genuine. I learned to do something I'd never done. Live with and for <em>myself.<em>

Live my life as if I was one person. I was proud of myself in a sense. I tried not to, but often I would allow my mind to wander to _her_. She text me every day for about a month after we broke up. Ignoring her texts was like ignoring my heart, which beat frantically every time her name lit up on my screen. I'd hear a song that reminded me of her (unfortunately that was just about every damn song) and the progress I'd made would just collapse. I'd smell her perfume on some woman in the mall, and have to clutch my heart to stop it from breaking all over again. She was always there. Under everything I did, she was there, lying in the back of my mind. Taunting me. Telling me that I would never forget her.

When the first day of senior year came around I felt…strange. Knowing I'd see her for the first time since we'd broken one another's hearts was something that was obviously daunting. I felt a certain nervousness, but also a certain confidence. I wanted her to see me, to see that I hadn't crumpled. See that I was still living my life. It was insanely childish, but I wanted her to look at me and realize, that I'm doing better than she is. I already had my plan. I'd look at her as if she were a stranger. I'd look at her quickly, and glance away as if seeing her wonderful face meant nothing to me.

I parked my car in the spot I had always parked, except this time I got out of it alone, with no blonde companion. It felt weird walking up to the front doors, part of me felt like I'd never left, yet another part of me felt completely out of place.

The walk down the corridor wasn't like the start of any other years. Ignoring the gaping hole of Brittany by my side, it was mainly different due to the fact that people didn't spare me a passing glance. Without the Cheerios uniform, the arrogance in my step, and the anger in my eyes, I was just another nobody to the people of McKinley. I frowned, unsure of whether that was a good thing.

"Santana!" I cringed and turned toward the source of the call. _So close_. I was so damn close to making it to class without being spotted.  
>"Rachel" I nodded at her, politely acknowledging her presence. For a moment she looked taken aback at my civil reply, and I rolled my eyes at her shock. I suppose I couldn't blame her, but I wasn't the Santana that I used to be. I hadn't got the energy to hate people, or make them feel like shit. Because god knows I knew what shit felt like.<p>

Rachel quickly regained her composure, and smiled brightly at me. Oh god, does she think we're like, friends now or something?  
>"How was your summer?" she asked. Ouch. Would it be appropriate to say heavily depressing? Thankfully Rachel decided to answer her own question before I got the chance to lie to her about how my summer was fine.<br>"Mine was simply wonderful" she gushed. "My Daddy's took myself and Finn to Barcelona for a week. It was simply majestic." She beamed at me, somehow expecting me to find her and Frankenteen's little expedition in some way exciting.

"How…nice" I replied awkwardly. I began to turn and walk away, but the little ninja was quick to follow me.  
>"I take it you and Brittany will be coming to the Glee meeting later?" she asked. I felt my stomach plummet and my breath catch. I swallowed.<br>"I don't think so Rachel. I'm just going to focus on getting good grades this year" I replied quickly, looking for some kind of escape. Why the fuck was my classroom so far away?

Rachel frowned. "Now Santana, whilst I greatly respect your drive and motivation in achieving high academic grades, scientific research has proven that both sports and the arts are highly beneficial in improving concentration and grades" she said. In one breath.  
>I shook my head. Who on earth talked like that?<p>

"Maybe I should join the football team" I joked. Looking up, I saw that I was right beside my classroom, and without another word I was away from her.  
>I sighed in relief. I'd made it to the first class, and I was fine, unharmed. But then the world seemed to just freeze.<p>

A familiar blonde was standing on the opposite side of the room, and as I walked in she had looked up. My plan of glancing away quickly failed, and my eyes glued to hers, unable to look away. I could feel my jaw drop and my eyes nearly bulge out of my head. I was not prepared for this. I was not prepared to feel the wave of emotion that just hit me. The nostalgia. The pain. And most of all, the overwhelming desire to run to her, tell her that I had made a stupid decision and that I forgive her.

Her lips turned up into a tiny, timid smile once the initial shock had almost subsided. I can't even describe the things that that smile did to me. It made me feel pathetic. Made me feel like I hadn't progressed at all. It broke me. I left the classroom without even consciously deciding to do so. My body took control and allowed me to do what I always did; run.

I reached the door of the bathroom before I even realized where I was going. I pushed the door open weakly, and slid to the floor once I got in. A sob heaved through my chest, and I felt even more pathetic than before.  
>"Who's there?" a choked voice called from one of the cubicles.<br>My head snapped up and I tried to control my sobbing.  
>"N-nobody" I yelled back.<p>

I heard the girl let out a humorless chuckle. "Yeah" she said. "Sometimes I feel like nobody too".  
>I frowned and stood up, wiping at my tear stained cheeks. The cubicle door opened, and I gasped at the person stepping out. Short, pink hair. Smoky eyeliner, black clothes, and an unmistakeable air of 'i don't give a fuck'.<p>

"Quinn?" I whispered, squinting at her to make sure my mind wasn't playing tricks on me. Wouldn't be the first time.  
>Quinn smirked and wiped at her own eyes. Looks like I hadn't been the only one crying.<br>"Santana" she replied, and moved toward the sinks, looking at her reflection in the cracked, make up stained mirrors.

"I..you..why aren't you in class?" really Santana? Of all the questions you could have asked, you ask _that_?  
>Quinn chuckled again. There was no joy or sincerity in her laugh. There was a darkness in her eyes that I recognized from looking in my own mirror.<br>"You do realize I could ask you the exact same thing? What happened? Did someone mention Ellen DeGeneres within a ten mile radius of you?" she sneered. My shock momentarily forgotten, I went on the defensive.

"Nah, did someone ask _you_ advice on contraception?" I challenged.  
>She raised her eyebrows.<p>

"Well played Lopez. I don't know why I'm not in class. I guess I just didn't feel like it, you know?" she replied sadly. Yeah I knew.  
>"What happened?" I asked.<p>

"I mean…you look all… You seem all...different?" I had no idea what I was saying. She squinted her eyes at me, and looked at me curiously, as though trying to find something. I crossed my arms over my chest, feeling a little self conscious.

"So do you" she breathed.

"I mean, you look the same. But you don't really, I don't know, seem the same" she explained.  
>I looked down at her words. Sometimes I'd forgotten just how insightful Quinn Fabray could be.<br>"I…I haven't changed" I lied.

She looked disappointed at my answer.

"Everyone changes over time" she replied cryptically.

"I've decided that I'm gonna be me from now on. No goody two shoes Fabray. No taking crap. No more bullshit" she said, her voice strong. I could see through her facade almost as clearly as she saw through mine. Quinn was hiding. The girl in front of me was trying to be someone that she wasn't.

"Finn hurt you a lot"

I said, and she glared at me.  
>"I never cared about Finn"<p>

she spat.  
>"But you cared about being cared for. And Finn could never do that with you the way he does Rachel"<p>

I replied, unsure why I was telling her all of this.  
>"Thanks Dr. Phil, but I don't need you to address my problems when you can't even deal with your own"<p>

she retorted, anger in her voice.

"You don't know anything about my problems"

I whispered, looking away.  
>"Oh yeah, because I forgot that poor little Santana Lopez is the first <em>lesbian<em> in the world. Instead of feeling so fucking sorry for yourself, why don't you try and realize how lucky you are to have Brittany! She's beautiful and kind and she loves you! Me? I have nobody! Not Finn, not my parents, and not the only person who actually might have loved me, my child!" she shouted.

She took a steadying breath before her face twisted in pain, and before I really realized what was happening, she was crying harder than I'd ever seen her cry, clutching the side of the sink for support.  
>Maybe it was how broken she looked, maybe it was the overwhelming sadness in her eyes, perhaps it was the blatant 'I need somebody so badly right now' look she had written all over her face. Maybe it was because I realized that her pain reflected my own. Maybe it was one of those things that made me say what I did next.<p>

"I lost her Quinn" I breathed. She looked up at me, frowning. When her eyes met mine, for the first time in so long I felt something wonderful and powerful. Somebody _understood _me. She gave me such a caring look, so unlike her. And for some reason, I whispered yet again, "Quinn, I lost her". And that's all it took for me to cry right along with her. That's all it took for her to close the distance between us and to wrap her arms around me, tell me it was going to be alright. That's all it took for me to realize that maybe, just maybe, I wasn't so alone after all.


End file.
